goals, goals and more goals!

I'm really struggling with the smoking goals.I made the first two,missed two,made two more.....

Today I missed it.I was very tempted to sneak some smokes,because I know Shannon won't understand.How can he? I don't understand.One day I have two left over the next day I go over by two.It only takes a bad hour in a day to mess up the whole thing at that point I feel defeated or as if I'm a step behind all day.I wish there was an easier way to do this.

Tomorrow is a new day though and I WILL meet my goal.

Have a good night everyone!

I don't like it here.

I'm going to vent for a sec. I don't know what my problem is with this move.The people here are nice.I can walk to the store and I love that!I just don't like it....it's not home.It doesn't have things that are important to us in a house.The kids don't like the new school.K has always been an A/B student and now she is struggling.I'm usually good with this stuff,I was an Army brat we moved all the time.When we moved somewhere we weren't sure of we made the best of it.I'm trying I really am,but it's hard.I think it's mostly just the house,hopefully I can change it enough to make it feel like home.We are going to all the homecoming events for the town we moved from because our oldest still goes to school there.The two younger ones will get to see their friends...I think it will be good for all of us.Ok I'm done venting. :)

I made my cigarette goal yesterday it wasn't easy though.I did get a reminder in the evening to make sure I reached the goal.I actually think that helped or maybe it was the threat of a wood paddle or switch that terrified me either way something worked.I realized later last night while chatting that I only had one smoke left. If there was going to be any 'special time' I would need to save that smoke.I left chat and went to hunt down my guy.I find him on the computer doing paperwork,he said he'd be done in awhile.AWHILE I have one cig left mind you.I explain to him that I left chat to head to bed and I was saving the last cig for after 'special time'so could I have one extra since I was waiting on him to do paperwork.I was like a kid begging for 15 more minutes to watch a show before bed, it was pretty ridiculous.lol! He didn't go for it and I ended up saving just half.I made the goal though and it felt really good!!

Have a great evening everyone!

We finally talked.

Shannon and I are usually pretty good at sticking together when things are crazy.This time we didn't.He was busy working I was busy moving and taking care of everything that goes with that.We were two people with two different list of things to do that never seemed to end.Right about the time things were slowing down and we remembered there is an 'us' there were the two funerals.

We did have twelve hours of driving alone with no kids in the truck on our way to the second funeral.We briefly discussed what we thought went wrong and some issues that hadn't really been talked about.We focused more on how to get back where we need to be rather than how we got where we were.The biggest part of our talk was about our lack of communication and how to better communicate when we do.It was all positive for the most part.Other than one thing that I knew he wasn't happy about,but I had no clue just how unhappy he was with it.It's my need to always have a say in when, where, and how he spanks.Am I guilty? Yes.I never thought much about it because it's not like my complaints or opinions change how he does things...in the end he always does things when, where, and how he wants.He wins!He agreed that they don't change things but he'd rather not feel as though he's dragging me into every spanking kicking and screamin.Not that it really ever happens that way.I get where he's coming from though and I will work at that.

I was chatting with some ladies last week about the smoking thing.They actually scared me a bit with some stories,but in this case fear is good!One of the things that always slows me down is the weight gain that comes with quitting.One of the ladies offered to send a workout video and I'm excited about starting that.I gave myself some goals on my own.I made one and that was it.Shannon waited in the background to see how I did on my own.I wasn't really aware he was watching until he started asking tons of question everyday.He decided I needed his 'help' with this.I don't get a say in how he chooses to help.We both agreed I had too much say last time.
I'm excited to have a plan,that always works better than 'I'm working on it'.I have the video,meds if I need them,and a goal!

Have a great day everyone!

Not on the same wavelength!

I'm pretty sure we are on two entirely different planets at this point....

I really don't like sharing these times and prefer to share the positive stuff.The truth is it isn't always warm and fuzzy.*sigh* There was a disagreement and hurtful things were said.WARNING!! this won't make either of us look all that great but it is what it is.

It started over him being grouchy, then I was grouchy.Truthfully I think we were both stressed.I said that I felt like he shouldn't spank me for being grouchy if he was grouchy.That pretty much set him off and I got the whole lecture about how I don't decide those things and so on.When he finished his lecture I decided to say you haven't spanked in however long and now your ready to be all roar!That led to a debate about whether there were or were not available opportunities.Just between you and I.. there were opportunities.Like I said hurtful things were said.I mentioned to him that I wasn't sure how I felt about DD and that sometimes it seems more hurtful than helpful.We agreed that changes needed to be made,because it shouldn't be that way.He was clear that DD wasn't going anywhere though.So,I basically said fine,but I don't feel the need to discuss it or give an opinion about it anymore.He said that was fine but it wouldn't stop him from spanking.Let me just pause to yell.....UGH!!!

That was the short version trust me no one wants to hear the long version.Looking back I know that things got out of hand really quickly and most of this could have been prevented.I also know that DD has helped with so many things in our marriage.Even disaggreements as suprising as that may seem,but we still have a lot of work to do in this area.A lot of what was said was silly and pointless and other things were how we really feel.

I'm not giving my opinion on DD issues and he is continuing to spank.I think he feels he has a point to make..only I'm clueless about what that could be.He has spanked every chance he's got.That makes me think he's boiling over the fact that I said there were opportunities and he felt there weren't.He's also spanked with determination,about what? I don't know.Could it be that he is making his point that I don't make those decisions?He's changed other things about the spankings too,that I don't fully understand,or agree with or like for that matter.

Obviously there are some unsettled issues.I just wish he'd talk to me about them.If he feels he needs to make a point,I'm ok with that.I just think it makes more sense for me to know and understand the point he's trying to make.Otherwise it just adds hurt in an already hurtful situation.

My apologies...

We finally got all moved! We still have tons of unpacking to do though.I never thought to post and say I'd be without internet,because it was only supose to be a couple days.Let's just say it was forever!!!! I'm still not sure I'm even happy with the internet service we are getting.UGH!I apologize for disappearing.

Shannon's grandfather passed away while I was out of touch.We were out of town for a few very stressful days.

The whole entire move was stressful.Shannon worked through most of it so that left me and the kids to do a lot of it.Getting stuff turned on was difficult too...you would think we lived in the boondocks!

Now that the hard part is over I'm hopeful I can post on a more regular basis.I've missed everyones blogs and hope to do some catching up this week!The smoking still isn't going well,but things are settling down(I hope)so maybe now I can put some effort into that.

Have a great day everyone!